Post-Diagnosis: Semester One
Hi. I think it's time for an update. I've been holding back from doing this because, honestly it hasn't been the greatest time for me in terms of my health, balancing education and having unexpected things happen. I am still enjoying university and I absolutely love my course, but my anxiety and worries overwhelming. They are leaning more towards my health and just how limiting it has been on me - which has had a domino effect on all aspects of my university life. I thought I should do this to show transparency and to show people who are suffering in a similar way to me that it isn't all rosy. My first blog posts were originally written 6 months after dealing with everything and I was in a much better place, but this time, I'm writing live. One take. Ok, you get the point.
They told me how strong, dedicated and resilient I am. And quite honestly, I have felt the exact opposite the whole time. Not surprisingly, a lot of people feel the same way as me. They just don't say it. They reminded me that university is supposed to be tough and that unfortunately, a lot of law students like to pretend that they're on top of it when they are not at all. Seeing my peers seemingly manage so well had also affected my way of thinking. Still, it's not their fault at all. They're perfectly entitled to shroud the truth but I think it would be better if we were more honest, like I'm being here.
Anyway, I'm focusing too much on others! That was also another thing mentioned. I should not compare myself to others, especially because I am so different from a 'normal' person. But that too, is difficult. All my life, I've lived like a normal person and even now, apart from popping a few pills, I still feel normal and paradoxically, not. When I am doing well, I am normal but when I am not, I suddenly have to retreat to my condition. It's just a full circle of trying to escape that fact that I am living with an illness. That's the pressure in living with an autoimmune condition. It's not physically attributable, so when I look in the mirror, I do not see anything different. It also feels like an excuse and I become consumed with guilt each time that I have to use it. Again, because I still have not accepted the fact that anything is wrong with me.
As you can see there's a lot loose ends that I need to grab a hold of and own. My original blog posts were about my health and how I am starting to come to terms with it all. But as I go deeper into understanding it and the limitations that it brings onto me, that positive state of mind starts unravelling, turning into something fearsome and destructive. Luckily, I've taken control of it once more by seeking counselling and just being plain honest. I'm still hanging onto threads and struggling to find my feet, but I am going to take it step by step.
This post is sort of like an update as well as an advice post based on advice that I had received. Advice-ception. I also want to be honest because I know there are others who feel like me and especially for me, knowing that someone else is also in the same rut is weirdly comforting. It feels like we can get through it together instead of feeling all alone. I am going to be referring back to this post every time I feel like giving up and hopefully, we (anyone feeling like crap like me) will come back stronger than ever for semester two!
See you in 2019.
- T
As some of you may already know, I was on a gap year and while it was a very hard transition period coming to terms with it all (the diagnosis), I did have an element of relaxation. So, when I looked to my future at university, I didn't really know what to expect and in terms of the criminal law I've been learning recently, I couldn't 'reasonably foresee' myself struggling this much.
I'll be direct.
I've lost 8 kg since I've moved to university and 3.6 kg in the space of two weeks. In context, I've dropped from 76kg to 68kg now. I was 65kg when I fell into crisis. I also had one hospital visit as my flu had become far too strong. These are very scary figures to me and while there are many reasons that can explain my weight loss - stress, not eating as much and walking a lot more, it is still staggering. A mere 3kg from where I originally was, sat in hospital. Not to worry though. I am currently seeing a doctor and requesting a transfer so that I can seek care from a consultant in Endocrinology. As you can imagine, it's caused me a lot of anxiety and worry which only can feed into a condition like mine.
Some of reasons why I think I'm losing weight:
- University is causing me to suffer a mental detriment and even that kind of stress can trigger my condition.
- I am not on the correct dosage of medication - which is potentially very dangerous and it is for this that I am getting checked up on. If anyone with Addison's or similar is reading this, if at any point you feel significantly more tired than usual, contact your consultant immediately as being exposed to different stress levels can require a stronger stress response. This is hotly debated (not really, as the condition so rare) in the medical community as some consultants, including my own don't really think that "mental stress" has any impact on Addison's Disease. However, as a direct sufferer of the condition, I'd say I disagree. And going back to this point, the fact that so many things are poorly understood about a condition like mine, it is imperative that questions are asked.
- I am simply eating less and walking more - although I'm not very convinced as even back home, I did not eat a heavy amount and still gained over 11kg in 7 months. In contrast, I have lost 8kg in 2 months.
The reason I mentioned this is because I honestly thought my condition had now stabilised and these facts shows that in a high-stress environment such as university, it is not that simple. And now to the most important and useful part for anyone who is in a similar situation to me, how I've been dealing with it all.
At first, it was just break-down after break-down. At one point, I physically could not get up one morning and although I knew it was because it was one of my "lethargic" days, I beat myself up (mentally) and ended up going into meltdown and telling my parents that I wasn't ready for university yet. It was a very dramatic piece and I honestly do think that I'd be nominated for an Academy Award for it. Jokes aside, I was a complete and utter mess. I was ready to pack up my bags and leave, practically begging to defer this entire year.
As I was in a shambolic state, I sent an email to some members of the faculty as well a lecturer that I felt would be able to empathise with me and the next day, I had a meeting. In hindsight, the advice that I was given was actually fairly obvious to a reasonable person, but because I set such extreme standards for myself, even now, I simply did not/do not allow myself the space to breathe. During the meeting, I discussed my weight loss and how the workload of university was getting to me. But it was hard for me because I had nothing to truly blame. As much as I wanted to blame myself, I couldn't because deep, deep, deep inside I knew that my health has made somethings out of my control. And I don't think I've come to terms with that yet. But that's okay.
Side Note: I'd just like to tell anyone who felt like me that this feeling will not go away for a very long time and even as I am writing this, I wonder if I should pack up my bags and go home. However, you just need to remind yourself that this is a challenge and like all challenges, it won't be easy. Remind yourself that you are strong and reflect on how much you have achieved since you (attempted to) embrace this change.
Side Note: I'd just like to tell anyone who felt like me that this feeling will not go away for a very long time and even as I am writing this, I wonder if I should pack up my bags and go home. However, you just need to remind yourself that this is a challenge and like all challenges, it won't be easy. Remind yourself that you are strong and reflect on how much you have achieved since you (attempted to) embrace this change.
They told me how strong, dedicated and resilient I am. And quite honestly, I have felt the exact opposite the whole time. Not surprisingly, a lot of people feel the same way as me. They just don't say it. They reminded me that university is supposed to be tough and that unfortunately, a lot of law students like to pretend that they're on top of it when they are not at all. Seeing my peers seemingly manage so well had also affected my way of thinking. Still, it's not their fault at all. They're perfectly entitled to shroud the truth but I think it would be better if we were more honest, like I'm being here.
Anyway, I'm focusing too much on others! That was also another thing mentioned. I should not compare myself to others, especially because I am so different from a 'normal' person. But that too, is difficult. All my life, I've lived like a normal person and even now, apart from popping a few pills, I still feel normal and paradoxically, not. When I am doing well, I am normal but when I am not, I suddenly have to retreat to my condition. It's just a full circle of trying to escape that fact that I am living with an illness. That's the pressure in living with an autoimmune condition. It's not physically attributable, so when I look in the mirror, I do not see anything different. It also feels like an excuse and I become consumed with guilt each time that I have to use it. Again, because I still have not accepted the fact that anything is wrong with me.
As you can see there's a lot loose ends that I need to grab a hold of and own. My original blog posts were about my health and how I am starting to come to terms with it all. But as I go deeper into understanding it and the limitations that it brings onto me, that positive state of mind starts unravelling, turning into something fearsome and destructive. Luckily, I've taken control of it once more by seeking counselling and just being plain honest. I'm still hanging onto threads and struggling to find my feet, but I am going to take it step by step.
This post is sort of like an update as well as an advice post based on advice that I had received. Advice-ception. I also want to be honest because I know there are others who feel like me and especially for me, knowing that someone else is also in the same rut is weirdly comforting. It feels like we can get through it together instead of feeling all alone. I am going to be referring back to this post every time I feel like giving up and hopefully, we (anyone feeling like crap like me) will come back stronger than ever for semester two!
See you in 2019.
- T
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