Post Diagnosis: Work

Hi, I'm back! I've just settled into university and got my feet on the ground somewhat. Met a lot of new and interesting people and made some amazing friends already. This post is about how I managed post-diagnosis.

It was definitely really tough on me mentally. I struggled keeping up with daily life and I didn't feel like doing anything. However, I knew lazing around wouldn't help so I went back to work. That was probably the worst decision of my life as it totally messed with my perception of work and treatment of people with disabilities. Although work distracted me from the pounding thoughts of "why me?", my managers had been secretly plotting against me. I won't mention the place I worked, but according to their temporary contract rules, you can't take more than 3 sick days. Obviously, I took a lot more due to the severe and emergency nature of my health and even though I had argued that - they didn't empathise. One of my managers was especially manipulative, as they told me to take care of my health constantly and pretended to care a lot about me. I was quite blind to all of it because I didn't have many people around me that knew and cared that much. He would make comments that were scary and made me feel disillusioned from the world. An example of this is when I explained what would need to be done if I fainted in store. I suggested that I should tell all of the colleagues that I am around about this so that they know what to do. It was a very small store. However, he quickly responded saying no one will care even if I faint and that they may make fun of my condition. He said it in such a way that made it out to be like a warning and that he would protect me from that. I stupidly believed everything, because I myself was quite cynical of the world already. So, I shut everything inside me after that and soon news came that I would be fired. 

I was so upset because I thought they were going to keep me and I went into a rage at both of my managers. They simply didn't care about me enough (even though they pretended to) and I believe to this day, I was kept from telling my colleagues about the severity of my health in order to make the firing process easier. After the whole affair, I felt so used and started to feel extremely embarrassed about having this condition. 

Luckily, I used my smarts and applied for another job within the company before they could fire me, and soon enough - it turned into a promotion (although they accepted the terms begrudgingly). I figured that it was my managers who were trying to fire me and that there was no actual problem with my record and sure enough, I got a better role! Obviously, at a different store. However, there was a month period between this transfer where there was a lot of uncertainty. This whole time, I felt like trash inside. I had been used, mistreated and discriminated against in such a callous way that I just lost all hope in humanity. 

Anyone who suffers from a disability shouldn't have to feel like they need to hide it in order to feel more 'normal' because at the end of the day - we do need help. I definitely knew I was a lot weaker than most people and when I finally had a reason for it, I let this one blunder discourage me from asking for the help I truly needed. Even if you are demoralised by people like this, don't let that stop you from seeking help.

As I've discussed before, this was the initial stage in my slump. There are some things that come before this, but it's not relevant as of yet. I struggled to pick myself up after this. I really and truly did. And it has definitely shaped the way I interact with people even now. 

I think one take-away from this is that it's not easy having a disability/chronic illness from a socio-economic perspective. I don't even have many mobility issues, but I was so quickly discriminated against. There's a common (but not everyone) view that people with illnesses get a lot of help but in reality it's very different. There's a lot of challenges and often they outweigh the help received.